What I Want in a President

Three more days until North Carolina goes to the polls, and signs of the impending election are everywhere: yard signs, bulk mailings, TV commercials -- even "personal" emails from candidates arriving daily to our inboxes (Michelle Obama, you've been warned). The wave we've been surfing for the last two years is coming to a crest (albeit preliminary), and it's got me pondering what exactly I want in the next president. Let me start simple:

1. First of all, he or she should be a human being. Too many dystopian visions of the future point to sentient machines, extra-terrestrials, or even newts as the cause of humanity's downfall (that's newts not Newt). Let's not make the same mistake when we go to the ballot boxes on Tuesday.

2. Our next president should be someone who has no political, familial, or amicable ties to any other human being on Earth. As recent developments in electoral politics have made perfectly clear, having a friend, neighbor, pastor, mother, or former roommate is simply a liability in this day and age. Why waste your vote on a candidate who at some point in his/her life came into contact with a private individual holding incendiary political views? The consequences for our nation would be disastrous: war, job losses, economic downturn -- these possibilities are too scary to risk. Better we choose someone so unconnected to human society, so untainted by the faults of man, that no one can bring him/her down. In short, something like...say...a newt? Damn.

3. He or she must be a bestselling author who has written at least two books, preferably with a shared byline. These books must be longer than 300 pages and capable of numbing the most devout reader into a coma of sublime dispassion.

4. Our new president must be willing to negotiate with America's enemies. Instead of the cowboy diplomacy of the Bush Administration, this country needs a better way to solve disputes with Iran, North Korea, Syria, Al-Qaeda, Al-Qaeda in Iraq, Al-Qaeda in Dayton, the Taliban, skinheads, drug dealers, Fidel Castro's cryogenically frozen brain, ExxonMobil, and other parties hell-bent on the destruction of the United States of America. Instead of talking of "obliterating" our enemies (what's next...vaporizing?), we should be inviting them to the negotiating table to discuss ways to compromise on key issues. Our new president should be briefed in state-of-the-art negotiation strategies (waterboarding), but not afraid to fall back on time-tested tactics for breaking a stalemate. In particular, I'm referring to "Rock, Paper, Scissors", which anyone above the age of seven knows can be a powerful tool for conflict resolution. America is ready for a shift from cowboy diplomacy to "playground diplomacy"; we need a president who will stand up to bullies, and prevent them from raining down suicide wedgies on innocent American citizens at home and abroad.

5. We need a president who appeals to all sectors of the population, not just a few narrow constituencies. Our next president should be able to unite diverse groups within the American population, from middle-class factory workers of Caucasoid origin to the Association of Arugula-eating African Americans (AAAA). It's no secret that small-town Americans are bitter, and when they get bitter they cling to guns and religion, and when they cling to guns and religion, well...let's just say they start kicking some ass in the name of God.

I could go on, but these five characteristics will suffice for the time being. Now it's time for you, the reader and potential voter, to append your own suggestions for our next president. Together we can assure America's future...

Say "no" to newts!