McFreedom Arrives in the Middle East

Baghdad
September 1, 2007

Throngs of people filled the streets of Baghdad’s Green Zone this morning, pushing their way to the front of the line for an opportunity to sample Baghdad’s newest culinary delight: the Big Mac. The queue, which consisted of nearly 250 Iraqis, formed in the early hours of the morning outside the three concentric blast walls which surround Iraq’s first McDonalds.

Officials from the 6^th Iraqi Provisional Government and the Ministry of American Culture lauded the opening of McDonalds as a step toward Iraq’s re-integration into the world economy. President George W. Bush echoed this sentiment yesterday, commenting, “People who suffered in tyranny for so long will become full members of the free world.” After hearing about Baghdad’s new McDonalds, former President Bill Clinton announced he would conduct a diplomatic tour of Iraq.

The opening of the Baghdad McDonald’s means more to the people of Iraq than heat-lamp irradiated falafel served with McHummus; it provides opportunity for Iraqis seeking the same kind of upward mobility that McDonalds has offered to teenagers and poor people the world over. Fareed Al-Zwahiri, an employee at the new McDonalds, said that if it weren’t for McDonalds he might still be at home watching Arabic music videos on satellite television, at least during the 4 hours a day his apartment gets electricity. Al-Zwahiri, who lost his hand in a roadside bombing last year, beamed as he dropped a basket of frozen french fries into 450 degree frying oil. “You see, I can do this job one-handed,” he said, his speech slurred by the shrapnel lodged in his cheek.

The Shia-owned McDonalds has had its fair share of controversy, which culminated when a powerful Sunni cleric announced last month that he would open 3 KFC/Taco Bell restaurants at each corner of the Sunni Triangle. “That makes for a total of 6 restaurants,” explained KFC/Taco Bell spokesman Col. Pedro Sanders, “and hundreds of menu choices.”

On hand for the McDonalds grand opening ceremony was celebrated New York Times columnist Thomas Friedman, whose Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention claims that no two countries with a McDonalds franchise have ever gone to war. “This is a historic moment for the Middle East,” Friedman commented. “And while saying this may put me out of a job, I believe that the United States’ work here in Iraq is finally done.” Friedman’s speech was interrupted by the sound of gunfire, which apparently resulted from a dispute between two insurgents over who had dibs on the last Chicken Nugget.